In my area of work, travel is just one of the many luxuries.  The real joy comes from the people I get to meet. Good folks, bad folks…pretty much all the colorful characters this wonderful world has to offer. So I figured, why be selfish? Why keep these people and their stories to myself? Thus, I present to you my “Where Are They Now?”

I met this evenings unlikely celebrity whilst trudging the streets of Atlanta, GA. His name is Marvin F. Hilton-Wallace.

If you were anywhere around a T.V. set during the eighties, you knew him as  G.I. Joe’s “Roadblock.”

I sat with Marvin on the corner of two unnamed streets, and allowed him to tell his story as we shared a snack cake.

HP: So, Marv? Hows life been?

MFW: Well, as  you can plainly see, the Roadblock thing didnt, uhh, it didnt do too well.  Over the past twenty-somethin’ years I’s just been working on building this here robot. I’s caint get sh*t to work, tho…all these wires and sh*t…man, I’ont know what the hell I’m doing!

HP:  What did happen to Roadblock?

MFW: Whew. How much time ya got? First off, I come from a long line of actors. My grand daddy  was one of the voices for the crows on Dumbo. My pops was a stunt double for Uncle Ben, and me… I kinda just fell into it. Pops wanted me to go to college, but I said, “Nah suh, there’s mo’ out there for me, I’s gon be just like you daddy!” So I packed all my belongings in my Amos and Andy lunchbox, and headed for L.A.

Originally, I auditioned for the part of Panthro. Y’know, from the Thundercats? I ended up gettin’ the part, but all that blue make-up gave my crotch the itchies somethin’ terrible! Plus, I really wasn’t much for nunchuckin’. I kept freezin myself, then burnin’ myself…sh*t was ridiculous man! The director ended up givin’ me the boot mid-season, hired some other high-sididdy nigga off the street. Before I left tho, he told me ’bout some part he thought I was sure-as-shootin’ fo’. Some cah’toon ’bout the Army…

I walked into the studio, and right fo’ I could even get the words out my mouth, the casting director says, “You! You’s gon be my Roadblock! Look at those arms, that strong chin, them big coon lips…Youre perfect!”

Shoot, I aint had no money, and I sho’ wasnt gon join the real service. So’s I signed on.

At first it was great, we had the number spot on television!  I had fame, girls…shoot, I was even a hero to the lil’ childrens. It gave me that…that…y’know, that warm feeling, alls thru my body! Boy I tell ya, the fans was lovin’ me! By the time my career was over, I did about Fo’- hun’ed of them PSA thangs. “Kids, dont do drugs, sh*t’ll f*ck you up! Knowing is half the battle, nigga!” I did commercials for Cross-Colors, Benetton…I was even in talks with LA Gear about having my own sneaker.

But then…I noticed I was getting used. Here I am, a young role model for other African American youth, and these muhf*ckas got me on T.V.  shootin and cookin! What!?!?! Those is my specialties??? They wanted me to shoot up sh*t…then make ‘em some co’nbread when I was done…ungrateful sonsofb*tches!

But…I didnt make a big deal out of it. I said, “Marvin, its just a job!” So’s I kept on…until one day, it all hit the fan! It was a Tuesday if’n I’s remember correctly. Thangs was getting pretty hot in the command center kitchen so I took off my shirt. Lady Jaye walked in to grab a glass of iced tea…and well, one thang led to another…next I knew, it was ebony and ivory all over the counter top! Awww skeet skeet skeet skeet!  Duke walked in and had a fit!

“ROADBLOCK, how could you…you no good Porchmonkey!!!”

“Ooooh! Now I get it!” I thought to myself. I threw an oven mit around my junk and started arguin! “Is that all I am!?!?! What about that time we was hikin’ thru the caves Duke!?!?! I SAVED YO” LIFE!!! you remember that!?!??”

“I bet I wasnt a porchmonkey then, was I?”

After that, we got into a huge skirmish. I agreed to shoot the G.I.  Joe Movie…but that was the last I wanted to do with them. The whole time….the whooole time I was there. I was just a nigga with gun and a spatula to him. Well, word had got around the building about Duke and his ties to the klan. Eventually, Quick Kick, Spirit, Jinx and Alpine would follow. Doc stayed…sellout.

Anyhow, I started hanging out with Tubbs from Miami Vice. Got into drugs, gambling and prostitution…didnt do me no good. So, I moved out here to Atlanta and got a job fixing grandfather clocks. I stole all the wires and moved over here to this street corner where I’ve been tryin’ to make this robot to take me back to Africa.

Posted by Haji P on Monday, January 21st, 2008 at 4:28 pm.