I watch a lot of movies. A lot. Here’s three I saw this week.
Funny Games (2008)
Dir: Michael Haneke
Starring: Naomi Watts, Tim Roth, and Michael Pitt
Jesus H. Tap-dancing Christ! What the fuck just happened! This movie gave me an anxiety attack… not joking. I left the theater with an insane headache and was sick to my stomach (which could possibly be attributed to the gallon of soda I drank in the theater). This was, far and away, the most disturbing movie I’ve seen in a while. You ever watch 20 minutes of a flick off the reflection of your wristwatch? I can say that I have. Why did I do this to myself?
First off, this is not a violent movie. All acts of violence are committed off-camera. We don’t see shit. What we do see are unbelievably prolonged scenes of suffering, torture, near-escapes, close-calls, creepy white dudes, and despair.
The dog doesn’t make it.
Now, on paper, this sounds like my kinda shit. I am a big fan of horror films that truly scare me. I like realism. Freddy and Jason? They’re aiiiight. More comical than horrifying. The Devil’s Rejects? Hard Candy? Now you’re talkin’. This was on some other shit though.
I’ve read that the Haneke made this (which is a remake of his 1998 film of the same name) as a response to the sudden overwhelming popularity of torture pictures (Saw, Hostel, etc.). He felt that audiences who flock to theaters to see those pictures would find the unflinchingly realistic bloodletting of this film to be too much to handle. He wants his audience to be fucked up over it. Well played, sir.
I, myself, dug the first Saw, but the rest were garbage. Torture horror films are the same thing, over and over again… they’re fucking boring. This, my friends, is what scary movies are supposed to be… sickening.
3 1/2 out of 4.
Pretty In Pink (1986)
Dir: Howard Deutch
Starring: Molly Ringwald, Harry Dean Stanton, Jon Cryer, Andrew McCarthy, and James Spader
You know what this movie WASN’T? Good. It also wasn’t Sixteen Candles, which is what I thought I was watching originally. I kept on saying, “When does this Long Duk Dong show up? Everyone says that guy is tits!” Instead, I got stuck with Duckie… that guy is a bitch.
1 1/2 out of 4.
Black Knight (2001)
Dir: Gil Junger
Starring: Martin Lawrence
Seeing as I’m not really working right now I decided to sell some of my DVD collection to Amoeba records. I grabbed a stack of 30 and, because of a temporary loss of all good sense, stuck Black Knight in the pile. After tallying up the goods, the clerk said he’d be happy to give me $50 for the whole lot. I, having regained my dignity and self-respect, replied with, “You’d better make it $49, my good man, because Black Knight is coming home with me!” It was my crowning moment… Black Knight is the one that DIDN’T get away.
This movie, wait… scratch that. This FILM is one of the cornerstones in modern cinema. I love it. Love it, love it, love it. If you think I’m goofing around, you can lick my hairy beanbag.
Martin falls in a moat at the amusement park he works at and is transported back to the 14th century. Mayhem, pratfalls, a hip-hop dance party, and Oscar-nominated actor Tom Wilkinson. And did you know 14th century chambermaids were black? I sure as hell didn’t. See, it’s informative too! As it says on the back of the DVD, “The knight life has never been more hilarious!”
4 out of 4.
Doesn’t Black Knight end with Martin opening up a mini-golf establishment in the hood? Damn, he really is crazy. Nonetheless, I actually sat all the way through Black Knight, so there’s that. I’m glad to hear another actual human being not involved with the making of this film has seen it as well.
And I don’t go in for torture-porn, so I’ma skip Funny Games and every other movie you mentioned there (I go Elm Street and Crystal Lake all the way…or some hilarious/horrific crapfest like Sleepaway Camp). But I must say that I take offense at your denigration of the Duck Man, as he was for many years the only character I could relate to on the big screen. The main problem with Pretty in Pink is not that it’s no 16 Candles (which it isn’t…it’s no Breakfast Club either, not by half), it’s that in the end Molly Ringwald doesn’t end up with Duckie and his massive Creepers. Instead she chooses the moussed-out douchebag, but that’s pretty much what the 80’s were all about (for those too young to really recall them)…I’m with the Duck-meister on this one: “Blaine? That’s a major appliance! That’s not a name!” Zing!
Left by Grip Grand on March 23rd, 2008