Greetings, fellow citizens. Welcome to Jail For Life (again), the new weekly installment of my own personal penal system in which I will examine the evidence against suspected perpetrators of various offenses and sentence them to a life of incarceration in order to prevent them from continuing to do whatever it is they do that makes our world just a little bit shittier every day. Now I should state for the record that no suspect, under any circumstances, will be provided the right to any form of defense, nor will there be any opportunity to cop a plea for a lesser sentence. All cases will be judged with malicious bias and all rulings are final. Furthermore, this court grants no necessary individual rights. That being said, cases may be formed against not only individuals, but entire groups of people or animals in order to insure that my own personal justice be served. As you see each week’s case unfold, you may argue that some or all of the offenses are nowhere near serious enough to warrant a life of imprisonment. In the case of such an argument, you will first be informed that you are breaking my heart. You will then be asked to direct your attention to my thumb and index finger which will be gently rubbing together to create the sound of the world’s smallest violin. All rise. The honorable Judge Cunning presiding.
THIS WEEK’S DEFENDANT: DJs Who Do Too Much
Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve all been to a couple hip hop shows here and there. Who among us can deny the excitement of seeing an emcee come out to your neck of the woods to perform all your favorite numbers? The cameras flashing, the beats thumping, the raps….wait a minute….I can’t quite make out the raps….it seems like….yeah…..I think there’s some other noise getting in the way. But what could it be?
That, my fellow listeners, is the sound of a DJ doing too much. This may be your first experience with this species, but I assure you that he is one of many more of his kind. These DJ’s have no concern whatsoever for what you paid to hear. Actually, quite the contrary. They operate entirely on a personal agenda to sabotage your listening experience with a dangerous arsenal of wicky wackies and crabble dabble. They have no clue who is currently rapping nor are they familiar with the song being performed. Furthermore, they seem to exhibit a certain disdain for the song as they refuse to let it play the way it is meant to be heard. When they are not littering the track with their own soundtrack of fiercesome flares and juggle-dee-bubbles, they are using the crossfader to take away the music for a brief instant and then give it back, over and over again, just to toy with your delicate emotions. There is no rhyme or reason to where in the song they choose to subject you to this auditorial torture (or auditorture) meaning that they can strike at any moment (yes, even during the chorus that you so desperately wanted to hear).
Ladies and gentlemen, this cannot be tolerated. If these DJs are allowed to roam free, they could pop up at any show in any town on any night- maybe even a show that your children are at. How does that sit with you? Would you have your children file into a seemingly harmless rap show only to be assaulted by scratchy practice while they struggle to make out the words of their favorite verses of modern prose? No. The answer is no. We must put these DJs away and we must put them away for good. DJs who do too much, I hereby sentence you to jail for life. This court is adjourned.
That guy in the back is still Funny.
Left by Q'm on May 5th, 2008