Greetings, fellow citizens. Welcome to Jail For Life (again), the new weekly installment of my own personal penal system in which I will examine the evidence against suspected perpetrators of various offenses and sentence them to a life of incarceration in order to prevent them from continuing to do whatever it is they do that makes our world just a little bit shittier every day. Now I should state for the record that no suspect, under any circumstances, will be provided the right to any form of defense, nor will there be any opportunity to cop a plea for a lesser sentence. All cases will be judged with malicious bias and all rulings are final. Furthermore, this court grants no necessary individual rights. That being said, cases may be formed against not only individuals, but entire groups of people or animals in order to insure that my own personal justice be served. As you see each week’s case unfold, you may argue that some or all of the offenses are nowhere near serious enough to warrant a life of imprisonment. In the case of such an argument, you will first be informed that you are breaking my heart. You will then be asked to direct your attention to my thumb and index finger which will be gently rubbing together to create the sound of the world’s smallest violin. All rise. The honorable Judge Cunning presiding.

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