Before blogging took place, this was discussed amidst a focus group consisting of: Raven Simone, Bill Cosby, Danny Glover, Too $hort,  Prince, and the guy who played Zack Morris on TV’s “Saved By the Bell.”

1. The White Man- As I am aware that this  goes without saying, allow me to reinforce the statement by adding this…I’m not exactly sure who is he is, but whomever he may be…God forbid if homeboy ever walks into a KFC. Them niggas will beat a real six piece (and a biscuit) out that motherfreaker.

2.  Eating Outside- Look, for future reference, whatever the circumstance ( casual dining, corporate luncheon, first date, etc) do your melanized meal buddy a great favor…eat inside. We do not enjoy “Patio Seating.” We dont care how pretty it is outside, get a seat by a window. There’s nothing less appetizing than mosquitos and pigeon sh*t  flying over my cabbage plate. Not to mention, if there’s a significant presence of homeless people about,  I feel like I owe them some of what I’m eating…cause technically, now I’m eating in their house! Why would you even choose to eat outside? It took us long enough to be able to even get IN the restaurant…now we got to sit outside where the waiters will pay even less attention to us? Nah, son…aint happenin pimpin.

3. Dogs-  We don’t  fck  with dogs like that. They drool, they stink, they bite and they chew up good kicks…and have you seen old riot footage? Dogs was fckin us up! Sure, some of us might own some, but we dont like ‘em.  We get dogs for two reasons: To keep other niggas out the house…or cause we saw them in a rap video…regardless the reason, they always end up in the backyard tied to a car engine. We are indiscriminately terrified of every phylum of canine…we dont even have to see it. All it takes is to hear the jingling of a dog chain, and watch for the subtle acceleration of pace. Honestly, if you ever want to run some black people out of your neighborhood, dont burn their church, let a Sharpei loose.

4. White People Kool-Aid- That sh*t is gross!

5. Rock Bands- Lately there’s been an insurrection of black people asserting theyre social deviance by using rock culture as its cardinal vehicle. We’ll wear  White Snake and Rolling Stones tee’s, chained wallets, and tight pants with purchased tears. Make our profile’s pretty with skulls, crossbones and stars…and my favorite, the rapper who says his musical influences are “D4L, Mobb Deep, Mac Dre and My Chemical Romance.” Get a grip. While Im sure this can all be blamed on our new-found “Party Like A Rockstar” anthemization, rest assured…we do not like rock bands. Ask a nigga to go see Jefferson Starship and see what he says.

6. Pancake Booty- We like pancakes. We like booty. However, the integration of the two is just an inconvenience to everyday ogling. After the passing of several jokes, we tend to feel a great deal of sympathy for pancake booty. While it may seem shallow and contrite, its just not a passable character trait…sorry.

7. Heat- Its no secret, we dont like hot weather. Niggas get crazy in hot weather (see Do the Right Thing). Its mathematically proven that more homicides and various acts of abominable crimes occur durning the summer time.We talk a mouthful of “going back to Africa” speech…but thats a lie, we aint trying to go back. Aint no AC in Africa.

8. Full Price- In any occasion, the number “full price” is a number of astronomical weight. We prefer numbers like, “the hook up” or “free.” These are numbers we’re more comfortable with during times of purchase.

9. Saying “Ghetto”- For the record, using the word “Ghetto” as a description is fcked up…yeah, we’re on to you!

10. Bad Hair Cuts- Irrefutably, this can be the tarnishing of an otherwise great day. It doesnt even so much have to be a bad cut. It can be as simple as a bad edge-up. The lining of the hair is a delicate thing, and should be handled with a surgeons precision. Since the second season of  Martin, black males have been placing an extra amount of care to the hairline. Any deviation of its natural curvature or accidental knick may lead to a shooting or loss of barbers liscence.

11. Seperation From Race- Please address this with the utmost consideration. We DO NOT like being told we’re different from other black people. Remarks including (but not limited too): “You speak well..”, “Youre smarter than…”,  “Youre not as bad as…” are inarguabley the most offensive things you can say to an African American man or woman. I was once told by a girl, “I would never talk to a black guy, but you’re not like those kind.” …I was subsequently forced to dip in my nigga bag. Black people are dispatched in variant degrees, but when it comes down to it…we’ve all seen The Color Purple, and felt bad for Celie when Shug told her she was ugly.

12. Comparison To Race-  Sorry white people, it’s kind of a lose/lose situation. Assuming we’re all the same…well, it just kinda sucks. I wouldnt do it. Its not nice. We already think youre racist…dont make us right.

13. Camping/Outdoors- We’ve yet to find any credible research that verifies sleeping on some dirt to be an enjoyable use of our recreational time. You’ll be hard pressed convicing us to willingly get back under a tree. Its not that we dont get down with nature…but bears, raccoons, and various other creatures with sharp teeth already live there. Plus, camping is expensive. Now it becomes a situation where we have to spend thousands of dollars to sleep OUTSIDE of a house that we’re already paying bills for?  The outdoors may also include: bonfire parties, the beach,  hiking and the afforementioned, eating outside.

14. Work- This, many times is misconstrued with laziness. It aint that we’re lazy, when its time to get things done, business gets handled. We’re among the most resilient and resourceful races of people. But work…yeesh, its almost too much work to even elaborate…

15. Looking- “Why you lookin at me, yo!?” Im certain you’ve all come across this facial expression multiple times in a day. Well…Why you lookin??? On the reals, this is the most vile and detestable act you can commit. Its the “go” button.  Niggas just dont play that! I wish I could tell you why…but Im too scared to look at a nigga long enough to ask him. People die over that sh*t, son!

16. Cops- Look, we dont hate cops because they’re cops. Thats just ignorant. We hate cops because theyre dicks. Whether its intentional or not, that breeds a violent contempt. For more information, please dont listen to a rap song. Wait til youre pulled over and surrounded by cop cars after leaving your grandmothers funeral…for an out of state tag.

17. Tipping-  Say what you want, my theory is “Aint nobody tip us for slavery.” I’ve worked as a server a couple of times myself, but when it happens…you cant get mad. Just accept it as an occupational hazard…or get a new job.

18. Baked Chicken- Seriously, yo…what are we supposed to do with baked chicken? We can’t eat it…its not fried. You cant put hot sauce on it…and it doesnt go well with heart disease. The only reason we eat chicken is because of the mystifying deliciousness of the fried batter. The chicken is sequentially irrelevant. Suprise! Bet you didnt know that, did you! Niggas dont really like chicken…its the 11 herbs and spices. Think I’m playing? There’s restaurants (with no patio seating) that serve just the chicken skin. It comes in paper bag, drowned in hot sauce. If you could fry up pelican meat we’d be down with that just the same.

19. The Absence of Racism- This is without question the pinnacle of peevementation of African Americans. If you really want to piss a nigga off…be genuinely not racist to him. We hate that! And this is why…without racism, all of our security walls are broken down. It throws us off our game. Its imperative that the slightest signs of racism are shown so we can explain a bad report card, bad service, or crack rock. I mean, it sounds like a joke, and God knows we dont need another Emmit Till, but…whenever you can, just to be nice…dont invite us to a wine tasting .

Posted by Haji P on Wednesday, June 25th, 2008 at 8:59 pm.