Hello again, citizens. Welcome back to Jail For Life. I presume that I need not explain the rules of conduct for this courtroom as I remember stating them quite clearly in Case #J4L-0001. Any person still unclear about the way this court functions is welcome to voice their questions and concerns. All questions and concerns will be addressed and immediately answered by an unappealable sentencing to jail for life. That being said, let us move forward with the proceedings. There are not enough cells in the world to hold all the indefensible miscreants that deserve neither the thrill of freedom nor the liberation of death, but remember this….for every breath of freedom we snatch out of their lungs, Uncle Sam donates one dollar to the Poseidon Prison Program, a nonprofit organization dedicated to the development of fully automated underwater penitentiaries. God bless them. Let’s get our incarceration on. All rise. The honorable Judge Cunning presiding.
THIS WEEK’S DEFENDANT: M.I.A. Soundmen
You may be seated.
Ladies and gentlemen, we all love a good rap show. Who among us can say that they don’t enjoy venturing down to the local music auditorium for a good old-fashioned rhyme recital? The anxious vibrations of the crowd, the luminous beams of color, the funky-fresh rhythms of the disc jockey, and the rhymes…wait a minute….I see the performer mouthing words into the mic, but it seems as though they’re not coming out of the speakers. Something must be wrong. Not to worry. There’s a guy whose job it is to manage situations just like this. He’s the soundman and he’s sitting right….over…..oh dear god.
Allow me to be the first to welcome you to the evil vortex of the MIA soundman. I shall explain. You see, MIA soundmen are not really men at all. More like “soundcowards” or “sound d-bags”. Daunted by the seemingly simple task that they have been hired to perform, they retreat to undisclosed locations leaving performers and showgoers to suffer through undesirable listening conditions. You may be asking yourself, but where do they go? No one knows. They could be anywhere. Perhaps they are already on to the next “job” ruining other listening experiences across town. Perhaps they are outside laughing with their likeminded cohorts about the havoc they have wreaked. Or perhaps they are not gone at all, merely hiding beneath the soundboard and crudely pleasuring themselves to the sounds of performers calling for the soundman. Wherever their vile little fingers may be, rest assured that they are not on the volume controls of the sound system.
Ladies and gentlemen, the people of the concert community cannot be expected to tolerate this sort of perverse neglect. If not properly reprimanded, MIA soundmen could further contaminate the world we live in with their reckless disregard for duty. Before we know it, their twisted excuse for ethics will have taken over the world. How would you feel about an MIA doctor or an MIA airline pilot? Who is going to save you, your family, and your home when it is going up in flames and the entire fire department feels like doing something else? No one. If we don’t admonish these soundmen, your house will burn down. That’s a promise. MIA soundmen, I hereby sentence you to jail for life. This court is adjourned.
the lousy soundman with the jittery hands doo doo buggin’ ruining my plans when I’m trying to jam doo doo buggin’
Left by Lone on August 8th, 2008